File under: things that should be illegal

“I love a woman to look like a boy during the day, and be a sex bitch at night.”

So said Hussein Chalayan during a interview about his new collaboration with J Brand denim. Chalayan talks about jeans being a woman’s wild card, a wardrobe staple that can take you from daytime to evening, something you can pull on with a pair of heels that will make you look and feel fabulous, even when you feel more like a bitch than a sex bitch.

The right jeans can be magic. They lift, they tuck, they disguise. They’re plastic surgery without the knife and the $10,000 price tag. Their beauty is in the thickness of the fabric, the sometimes added stretch, the wash and strategically leg-slimmingly faded and distressed fabric.

So why now, when we have this relatively inexpensive tool to make us look and feel better, are women suddenly embracing the scourge of the leggings jeans? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, simply have a quick look in the window of Supre on George St. or online at TopShop, or in just about any trendy high street store. You’ll see them there in all their icky glory, the cheap textured-to-look-like denim stretch fabric painted on the legs of mannequins, the gold stitching down the seams glittering in the window spotlights. Other features include faux pockets, pointless belt loops and flies with no zippers.

You’ll also see them walking down the street, tucked into boots for winter, under tunic tops and horrifyingly, worn with short tight tops. This season I have seen enough asses straining to be free of the too-small, too-tight leggings jeans that I’ve developed a twitch in my left eye. I’ve seen skin showing through the thin fabric, I’ve seen floral underpants and, shock! horror! etc! I’ve even seen g-strings. If you take nothing else away from reading this, perhaps we could all learn to take a cursory glance at our backsides in the mirror to make sure we’re not going to step out of the house and assault the eyes of strangers with too much ass. And ladies, any public butt sightings constitute too much ass.

If I haven’t convinced you yet, I have two words: knee cellulite. Leggings jeans are a great equaliser in that they make almost everyone who wears them look like she has knee cellulite, whether she actually has it or not. There’s something about the way light hits the stretch fabric that makes leggings jeans emphasise existing and even manufacture new flaws.

I call for a good old fashioned prohibition against leggings jeans.  This trend was belched straight up from the guts of hell, and it’s best we avert our eyes until it’s over, lest we all turn to stone or something.